i am thinking to much

i have been doing alot of thinking here lately. he is explain of what i have been thinking about. i have been thinking about how i was in highschool and how no one really understood the person i was or am now. i didnt have to many friends in highschool. and i think that it was because the school i had went to before my family moved to red bay. all the friends i had there would talk about me behind my back. it was hard to hear that my friends was talking about me behind my back i thought they was my friends. a true friend will not talk about you behind your back or say things to you like telling you are fat or way to skinny. a true friend supports you and likes you for the person you are. okay sorry about getting off topic there for a second. but that was way i was always alittle scared about making friends. still am at times. but in truth there was not really to many people that actually what you say talked to me in highschool. i didnt get invited to no parties or just to hung out with any of classmates. and i am not saying it was all on them because it wasnt just them it was me to. i know i could have been more socialable. but i wasnt. last night i got to thinking about all that and it got me to thinking about how when my nephew had died back in 1996 not one of my classmate or friends was actually there for me or understood what i was going though or how i felt. it was so hard to go though that time. dont get me wrong i had my family but they all was grieving to and at that time i just needed a friend to talk to. and if i had ever said anything about my nephew i could the faces of my friends and knew that they didnt want to hear nothing about it. so i kept everything inside. no one knows this not my family. the only one person that knows about this is mike. but i started to get really depressed my last year in highschool. everything that i had went though and everything i had kept inside just got me down a whole lot and there was times i just didnt want to get out of bed. i dont know why i am now letting all this be known now. i guess i just need to let it out.

and i just wanted to say to all the people i went to highschool. if you are reading this. i am sorry that i didnt take the time to get to know you all. i wish i had now because now know that some of you would have been there when i needed a friend.

i cant believe

i cant believe how the time has went by. in 7 more days me and mike will be married for 4 years. i just cant believe it. it seems like just yesterday we was getting married. these pass four years have been wonderful. yes for one of those years mike was in iraq but that year went by fast and i got to see him. i am so glad that we are going to get to spend our anniversary together this year. we didnt last year. i have no idea what we will be doing this year. we had planned on going to savannah, georgia. but once we found out that mike didnt have a job anymore things changed. the only thing i do know is that we are getting each other a gift but besides that i dont know what we will be doing. i will try to update you all on what we do a few days after our anniversary.

right now

right now i am bored. i have been reading this book called perfect hormone balance for fertility. it has been interesting. dont know how good it will do though. may talk to the doctor about it when i get to go or if i get to go on july 15. right now my insurances are screwed up and we are working on getting it fixed. i am so hoping it will be fixed soon.

yesterday i had a bad experience yesterday at a hotel. okay it wasnt to bad but bad enough. see we had been staying in a hotel from last sunday to friday afternoon. well mike told them thursday night and again friday morning that we was going to be checking out at 2:30 instead of 12 the actually check out time. well at about 1:30 yesterday afternoon the lady at the front desk called asking me to leave the room at 2 or pay for another night. and when i said that they told mike yesterday morning that 2:30 was okay to check out. they said that they never did say that. i didnt know what to do because i was by myself. so i tried to get a hold of mike on his cellphone. it took about 20 minutes or so for me to get a hold of him. but before i could get a hold of him they called back and i just told them charge the room for another night. i didnt know what to do. so when mike finally called me back i was so pissed off that i was crying ( i do that when i am really pissed). and i told him that i didnt want to stay there for another night. so when he got back to the room i had everything ready to load up in the truck and we loaded it up and checked out. now it is showing on the bank that they are charging us for more then what was on the receipt we got when we checked out. so we are having to get something done about that. needless to say we will never be staying at that hotel in that town again.

well i typed more then i was intending to do. i need to go but i will try to get back on later.

tomorrow

tomorrow is father's day. i sure wish i could just look at mike and say happy father's day daddy but that isnt going to happen. things are just so hard with trying to get pregnant. each year that comes and go by with us having a baby or pregnant gets harder each passing year. sometimes i feel like it is time to give up the hope because it isnt going to happen and then i have times where i feel like it is going to happen. and when i am feeling like that i go shopping or get around my family and see all the babies and my nieces and nephews and i am like why cant it be me. dont get me wrong i love my nieces and nephews and i am so happy for my friends that have kids or who are pregnant. but it is so hard.

oh and when i see kids that are being a abuse or a mother or father who kills their baby or women or little girls who are pregnant that does drugs though out their pregnancy, can get pregnant really easy and i cant. i am always asking myself why cant it be me this time.

well that is enough of my little vent for now.

update on the clomid

i just talked to the doctor's office this morning and the clomid didnt work. i was on the highest amount you can take for clomid. the doctor's office is suppose to call me back with a appointment. i am alittle sad about it. but i did have this feeling that it didnt work. i was hoping and praying that feeling was wrong. well that is the update on the clomid.

just got a called from the doctor's office. my appointment is july 15 at 10:00. i so cant wait until then. going to be the long 4 weeks. but that is good about it that long until so maybe that way our insurance will get straighten out by then.

well

well i just dont think the clomid work this time around neither. all the opks that i have taken have been negative. i am trying to stay positive about it all but i cant help but feel like it isnt going to work. i should find out one day next week if it worked or not.

i had this dream last night that i did get a positive on the opks. but it was just a dream. i woked up kinded of sad about that. i really wish that i would have gotten a positive on them. it would make me feel so much better about all this.

i guess if it doesnt work then we will be trying clomid and metformin. but i am not to sure about what the doctor wants to do. but i will find out soon.

well i need to go but i will try to update more later.