it is always so hard to not be a parent around the holidays. seeing the happy families together with their kids. seeing how friends or family members saying their kids this for them. or having friends or family members saying how their kids are learning why we have this holiday for. seeing friends or family members pregnant. it is so hard because it just seem like i will never have that. dont get me wrong i am so happy for my family and friends and i am glad that they do not have to go though this pain of not being able to get pregnant. but i can not help but to wonder why can not be me and mike. will we not make good parents. do we not deserve to have someone to call us mom and dad. do we not deserve to watch a kid grow up and become the person they are meant to be.
if it was up to me i would just skip the holidays. but i know if i dont show up and paste a smile on face then my family would get mad at me. i am just so tired of having to act happy when i am not. i am so tired of being told it will happen by people who doesnt even know what it is like. and i am tired of being told to stay positive or to stop beating myself up. well it is my fault that we can not get pregnant. i feel like i have failed mike in making him a daddy. i know what some of you maybe saying it isnt your fault but it is. it my ovaries that do not want to work and produce those eggs to make a baby with. so i do feel like that. it has always been my dream of becoming a parent. and right now i just feel like it is never going to happen. and i have the right to feel this way. especially around the holidays. so if i am not a happy go lucky person around the holidays get over it because i am tired of pasting a fake smile and pretending that things are all right.
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