some random thoughts

here are some random thoughts i have had the last few days.

dec. 29> well mike is not in the u.s. anymore. and it is so lonely without him here but i am trying to take it one day at a time. i know that if i can keep myself busy then the time will go by fast. i was going to go visit some friends in jan but jan isnt going to be a good month for that, money wise. got some bills that still needs to be caught up good. got my nephew's 16th birthday. can you believe that i will have a 16 year old nephew. i cant. sometimes i wish they would stop growing so i would stop ageing. i plan on making my nephew's birthday cake. i will post pictures of it when i get it made. and i am still working on the baby blanket for my cousin. i probably will have it done before jan is over with. i am also helping planning a baby shower for my cousin in april. so i have things i need to do for that and stuff to buy up for a gift. i am putting together a really big gift for her from me and mike. well i better stop talking about the gift before i actually say what it is LOL. so if the cousin that is pregnant and the baby shower is for is reading this i am not going to tell you what it is LOL. if you have any ideas for the baby shower please let me know. even of different things some one might need for a baby.

(okay on dec. 30 i didnt write anything done so that day is being skipped)

dec. 31> i got to talk to mike today. it was so good to hear his voice even if we only got to talk for 13 minutes and 27 seconds. yep i looked up how long we talked for. i wasnt expecting to hear him this soon but i am glad and happy that he called. he sounded like he was getting a cold but if you think about it he probably is because of the change of weather. the weather is different there then here. if you didnt know that already. i cant believe that tomorrow it will be a new year. i just hope that the new year brings everyone joy and peace. it is so lonely spending new years without mike. i probably will just go to bed soon. i just dont feel like spending new years with anyone but mike and he isnt here to spend it with.

well that is my thoughts for the pass few days.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERY I HOPE YOU ALL ARE STAYING SAFE TONIGHT.

hope everyone had a good christmas

how my christmas went. it went pretty good. the bestest part was spending it with mike. i also got to spend it with my family to. and we (me and mike) went down to see his family. had a good time there to. it had been awhile sents we seen his family and it was good to see them. it was good to see mike happy and his happiest is the most important thing to me. i got to spend a week and 6 days with with mike. well more like a week and 5 days. mike came in on 13th of dec and left on the 26th going back to ks. mike got me a ring and a pair of boots for christmas. i went back to the doctor (a yearly thing. if you are a woman you know what i mean) and everything is still the same. still cant get pregnant. but all my blood work came back good (like my thyroid levels are good ). lets see what else went on over christmas and while mike was home. i think that is pretty much it. i am not going to be going nothing for new years eve. that night is going to be kind of hard because mike wont be here. so i probably will go to bed before midnight. then on new years day i will be spending it with my family 9that is if my brother and sister and their families comes over here to my parents house.) if they do i probably will be taken more pictures of everyone. well i guess i need to go and i will write again after the new year.

I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

it has been awhile

i know it has been awhile sents the last time i wrote. things has been alittle stressful and busy to. mike got to come home for a few days for veteran's day. that was a great weekend there. i got to spend it with him. i also went christmas shopping last month (got all my christmas shopping done in nov to.). i think i spent way to much again this year on gifts. but glad we had the little extra money to do it because it will be worth it. the week before thanksgiving i got sick. i had a realy bad sore throat and plus my tonsils was all swollen and they looked bad to. i couldnt eat nothing but ice cream and pudding and the liquid part of soups then. yep i went to the doctor. i got put on antibotics and allergy meds. and i am feeling awhole lot better now. actually i started feeling better the sunday or monday before thanksgiving one. (which i like say the week of thanksgiving LOL). i was beginning to wonder if i was going to feel better though. let me tell you something you would think i would have gotten choked on the antibotics (it was in pill form and not liquid) when my throat and tonsils was so swollen but no i started to choke alittle on them after all the swelling went down. so glad i dont have to taken them anymore. well mike got to come home for thanksgiving. and that was so great to spend thanksgiving with just mike. on thanksgiving day it was just me and mike and no one else. it was so wonderful. even though i did start to get sick to my stomach that evening but it got to feel better that night. so it still didnt mess up our plans. well went to the store on friday (the friday they call black friday) but we didnt really go to the store because all the sales. we went to get a birthday cake. then on saturday (nov. 29) we had a birthday party to go to. the need for the birthday cake. it was our nephew's 7th birthday. back in oct i had talk to our nephew about having his uncle mike's birthday party at the same time has his and he said okay. so we had a birthday party for mike then to. that was fun. we had it at pizza hut. there really wasnt to many people that came to the party but we still had fun though. then that night me and mike went and watched twilight. so love that movie. (also love the book to) cant wait for it to come out on dvd. then on sunday mike had to leave again. so been alittle said about that but i should be getting to see him again for awhile soon and i cant wait to see him. i just wish we was together and not apart. it sucks that we cant be together but hopefully in a year or so we wont be apart anymore and we get back to ttc. i have a doctor's appointment this month. it is just the yearly checkup so nothing to worry about. but i am going to talk to the doctor about my thyroid meds. i just dont think it is working anymore. my hands and feet have been staying cold and i have been really tired. and that is how i felt before i started taken my thyroid meds. so i think it might be time to change it up.

well that is pretty much what all that has been going on. i will try not to wait until next year to update you all again.

i know it has been awhile

i know it has been awhile sents the last time i wrote. not much has been going on. mike is still at fort riley at the moment. i am suppose to be able to come home this weekend for a few days. i so cant wait to see him. he is also suppose to come home for thanksgiving. i am giving him a birthday party when he comes for thanksgiving. it is going to be at the sametime as our nephew's birthday party. the reason for that is that my nephew's birthday is the day that mike's party is on it. it was the only day that we figure everyone will have time for. my nephew is happy about it. he cant wait for that day. me and mike talked about it and we are going to put up our christmas tree and take pictures for our christmas cards. i plan on taken alot of pictures. it is starting to feel like fall here and i dont have many fall clothing but that is okay i guess. i will buy alittle bit of fall clothing as the time goes buy. i usually just wear fall clothing even during the winter to because there are days that it doesnt get all that cold during the winter here in alabama. well that is it for now but i will try to write more later.

things are getting hard.

things are starting to get hard. see today my sister inlaw had to go to the doctor. she had to see a obgyn. (before you ask no she isnt pregnant). i was sitting in the waiting with my mom and nephew and there was all these pregnant women sitting around. okay not a whole lot like one or two but it seemed like a whole lot. it kind of started getting to me. there was this one pregnant woman was talking to my mom and she was telling my mom how when she was pregnant the first time her and her sister was pregnant at the sametime and they are pregnant again at the same time. i just had to get up and go outside. it is really starting to hurt. i have had moments where it feels like my heart is breaking. and if i hear it will happen when god feels like you are ready. how in the heck do you know (talking about these people that has said that to me.) that god is not ready for me and mike to have a baby. these people do not know that. i have had people to tell me not to stress over it. now theses people that tells me that has never had a problem with getting pregnant. i know my family might get alittle upset about this part and i am sorry for saying. the only people that knows what it is like and know how i feel is my friends that are having problems with getting pregnant to. my family doesnt know how it feels. it hurts alot. and like when i start to talk to about to some of my family members it just seems like they are saying in their heads stop whining about it and get over it. and like i said to my family members that is reading this i am sorry you are upset but that is how i feel.

a new update

i just thought i would write a blog on a new update. i might have told you all that mike is going from national guard to the active army. well he is on his way to ft riley, ks as we speech. we was hoping that i was going to be able to go with him but nope not going to get to. he is suppose to be training for a deployment. we dont know how long that training is going to be or where he will be going. heck we dont know if we will get to see each other again before he does leave on that deployment. we hope we do but we are not to sure. i hope i can at least see him for his birthday or christmas one but some part of me feels like i wont get to see him again. i am staying with my parents for awhile. but me and my sister and some cousins plan on having girls night outs/in at my and mike's house so that will be something that will keep me busy. i wish mike didnt have to go or that i could have went with him. but i know we can get though this. we done got though one deployment. so we can get though this to. well that is it for the update i will try to update again soon.

doc's appointment

i had a doctor's appointment today. it was about what to do sents the clomid didnt work. right now me and mike decided to take a break from trying to have a baby because of money problems and i want to get my body into shape. and plus with mike going from the national guard to the army things are pretty unsettled at the moment (now not with our relationship so dont go there) but with us moving again soon (be glad when we quit moving for awhile). and then there is a chance that mike will get deployed again. now get back to the doctor's appointment. she put me on metformin again to help me from getting diabetes in the future. she said that the pcos can cause diabetes in woman when they get older. and diabetes does run in the family. plus it might also help me get pregnant to. i think the first time i took i didnt take it long enough for it to take effect. and she also put back on the provera to because she doesnt want me going over 3 monthes to have a period. and she said that if we wanted to she would send us to a RE (someone who deals with infertility). but with us moving soon we just decided that it might be good for us to wait a few monthes and hope that mike doesnt get deployed any time soon. well i need to go and fix something to eat for dinner but i will try to update again later.

happy birthday to me

to day is my birthday. i turned 28 years old. and i am alittle sad about it. now i am not sad about turning 28 but sad that i had always thought i would be a mother by now. i know some people might not understand that. i know some of my family doesnt understand that because they have kids and most of them had them before they was 28 years old. i will probably be 30 or older before i am a mother. dont get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having a baby at the age of 30 or older but i had always seen myself having a baby younger then that. yeah i still have two years before i am 30. but i just feel like that is going to be the age i will be by the time i get pregnant. well that is all for now i need to go and get ready to go out with mike (my hubby) we are going to go and celebrate my birthday.

what is sexy

the other day i was talking to my niece and it got me thinking about this so i thought i would share it with you.

what is sexy? is sexy short skirts or dress, shirts that barely cover you. shorts that shows have of your ass. is sexy blonde, red, brown, black hair. is sexy letting a guy see everything you have.

to me sexy is the way you walk/ carry yourself. sexy is how you take care of yourself. sexy is wearing clothes that fit you just right. sexy is being mysterious.

so what is sexy to you. feel free to say what sexy is to you.

why is it

why is it that some family members treats their friends more like family then their own family members. why is it that they let their friends know stuff that is going on (example like how their kids are doing in school or if something had to another family member) but they cant say a thing to their our family members about it. also why is it that some family members only talk to you after you say something to them. also why is that some family members is nice to you infront of your face but talks shit about you behind your back. ( i know that happens to me all the time) yeah i will emit that i have talked about some family members behind their backs but you know something it is not about shit and i am not the one the that usually starts it and plus it is never bad and i am pretty sure that they know i am talking about them. also why is it that at a family gathering your family choose to ingore you. if you going to ingore me at a family gathering then just dont invite me anymore (and yes that happens to me at just about all the family gatherings that we have). do they not realize what it does to the family. it pulls family apart. and it also makes you feel like you are not part of the family and makes you feel unlove and like you are being ingored. i have felt like this by some of my family members. and i am sure they know who they are and i am getting tired of it. if you dont want me as a family member just so and i will never speak to you again and i will never invite you to anything again.

feeling alittle sad

i am starting to feel alittle sad and thinking about not posting anymore on some of the ttc message boards that i am on. i dont want to but it is getting hard. it is so hard to see other woman who hasnt been trying all that long get a bfp and me and mike have been trying for 4 years now. i just want to be a mommy and i want mike to be a daddy. dont get me wrong i am so happy for these ladies and i am glad that they are getting their bfps. and i am also happy and glad for my friends to. but i am just feeling left out. i also feel left out by my family to. it just seems like that i am the only one in my family that has had a problem with getting pregnant. it seem like that family members that has tried and wanted to get pregnant gets pregnant. and i am also wondering why cant i get pregnant. i also sometimes feel like that my family doesnt understand. and all they can say to me is dont stress it will happen when god wants to happen do they not think that maybe it isnt god that is stopping us from baby. it is possible that it is something else you know what i mean. and they dont stop to think of my feelings or mike's feelings when it comes to this subject. i am so tired of hearing it will happen dont stress over it. if you have never been though something like this then you dont know how it feels. and also my family just dont get that it hurts when you dont get invited to something because you dont have kids or when you get ingored because you dont have kids. and yes sometimes i feel like my family ingores me because i havent had a baby yet. i know i probably feel that way but i do. i hope if they read that they will understand my feels about it all and quit saying stop stressing over it. and it will happen when god wants it to.

sorry if this a downer. i am just not feeling to happy right now. and i am sorry if i hurted anyones feelings or anything that was my purpose. i just wanted to vent alittle.

update

i just wanted to go ahead and give a little update. lets see where did i leave off the last time i updated you all. i left off on my and mike's anniversary. we have been married for 4 wonderful years. the day of our anniversary went pretty good. we got to spend this year together and i was so happy about that. mike got me a necklace it has a heart pendant with our names on it and two little stones. one is green and one is blue. it is so pretty. he also got me two movies. 27 dresses and 10,000 b.c. and candy and a anniversary card. i got mike a movie, a gift card for a bookstore. and lets see what else did i get him. on a key change. now on for more updates. well our insurances is still messed up so i had to change my doctor's appointment. so instead of july 15 i go to the doctor on sept 4. so we have decided to go on another ttc break until i can get back in to see the doctor. dont you hate it when your insurance gets messed up. that has pretty much been what has gone on so far. i will try to update some more in a few weeks or so.

i am thinking to much

i have been doing alot of thinking here lately. he is explain of what i have been thinking about. i have been thinking about how i was in highschool and how no one really understood the person i was or am now. i didnt have to many friends in highschool. and i think that it was because the school i had went to before my family moved to red bay. all the friends i had there would talk about me behind my back. it was hard to hear that my friends was talking about me behind my back i thought they was my friends. a true friend will not talk about you behind your back or say things to you like telling you are fat or way to skinny. a true friend supports you and likes you for the person you are. okay sorry about getting off topic there for a second. but that was way i was always alittle scared about making friends. still am at times. but in truth there was not really to many people that actually what you say talked to me in highschool. i didnt get invited to no parties or just to hung out with any of classmates. and i am not saying it was all on them because it wasnt just them it was me to. i know i could have been more socialable. but i wasnt. last night i got to thinking about all that and it got me to thinking about how when my nephew had died back in 1996 not one of my classmate or friends was actually there for me or understood what i was going though or how i felt. it was so hard to go though that time. dont get me wrong i had my family but they all was grieving to and at that time i just needed a friend to talk to. and if i had ever said anything about my nephew i could the faces of my friends and knew that they didnt want to hear nothing about it. so i kept everything inside. no one knows this not my family. the only one person that knows about this is mike. but i started to get really depressed my last year in highschool. everything that i had went though and everything i had kept inside just got me down a whole lot and there was times i just didnt want to get out of bed. i dont know why i am now letting all this be known now. i guess i just need to let it out.

and i just wanted to say to all the people i went to highschool. if you are reading this. i am sorry that i didnt take the time to get to know you all. i wish i had now because now know that some of you would have been there when i needed a friend.

i cant believe

i cant believe how the time has went by. in 7 more days me and mike will be married for 4 years. i just cant believe it. it seems like just yesterday we was getting married. these pass four years have been wonderful. yes for one of those years mike was in iraq but that year went by fast and i got to see him. i am so glad that we are going to get to spend our anniversary together this year. we didnt last year. i have no idea what we will be doing this year. we had planned on going to savannah, georgia. but once we found out that mike didnt have a job anymore things changed. the only thing i do know is that we are getting each other a gift but besides that i dont know what we will be doing. i will try to update you all on what we do a few days after our anniversary.

right now

right now i am bored. i have been reading this book called perfect hormone balance for fertility. it has been interesting. dont know how good it will do though. may talk to the doctor about it when i get to go or if i get to go on july 15. right now my insurances are screwed up and we are working on getting it fixed. i am so hoping it will be fixed soon.

yesterday i had a bad experience yesterday at a hotel. okay it wasnt to bad but bad enough. see we had been staying in a hotel from last sunday to friday afternoon. well mike told them thursday night and again friday morning that we was going to be checking out at 2:30 instead of 12 the actually check out time. well at about 1:30 yesterday afternoon the lady at the front desk called asking me to leave the room at 2 or pay for another night. and when i said that they told mike yesterday morning that 2:30 was okay to check out. they said that they never did say that. i didnt know what to do because i was by myself. so i tried to get a hold of mike on his cellphone. it took about 20 minutes or so for me to get a hold of him. but before i could get a hold of him they called back and i just told them charge the room for another night. i didnt know what to do. so when mike finally called me back i was so pissed off that i was crying ( i do that when i am really pissed). and i told him that i didnt want to stay there for another night. so when he got back to the room i had everything ready to load up in the truck and we loaded it up and checked out. now it is showing on the bank that they are charging us for more then what was on the receipt we got when we checked out. so we are having to get something done about that. needless to say we will never be staying at that hotel in that town again.

well i typed more then i was intending to do. i need to go but i will try to get back on later.

tomorrow

tomorrow is father's day. i sure wish i could just look at mike and say happy father's day daddy but that isnt going to happen. things are just so hard with trying to get pregnant. each year that comes and go by with us having a baby or pregnant gets harder each passing year. sometimes i feel like it is time to give up the hope because it isnt going to happen and then i have times where i feel like it is going to happen. and when i am feeling like that i go shopping or get around my family and see all the babies and my nieces and nephews and i am like why cant it be me. dont get me wrong i love my nieces and nephews and i am so happy for my friends that have kids or who are pregnant. but it is so hard.

oh and when i see kids that are being a abuse or a mother or father who kills their baby or women or little girls who are pregnant that does drugs though out their pregnancy, can get pregnant really easy and i cant. i am always asking myself why cant it be me this time.

well that is enough of my little vent for now.

update on the clomid

i just talked to the doctor's office this morning and the clomid didnt work. i was on the highest amount you can take for clomid. the doctor's office is suppose to call me back with a appointment. i am alittle sad about it. but i did have this feeling that it didnt work. i was hoping and praying that feeling was wrong. well that is the update on the clomid.

just got a called from the doctor's office. my appointment is july 15 at 10:00. i so cant wait until then. going to be the long 4 weeks. but that is good about it that long until so maybe that way our insurance will get straighten out by then.

well

well i just dont think the clomid work this time around neither. all the opks that i have taken have been negative. i am trying to stay positive about it all but i cant help but feel like it isnt going to work. i should find out one day next week if it worked or not.

i had this dream last night that i did get a positive on the opks. but it was just a dream. i woked up kinded of sad about that. i really wish that i would have gotten a positive on them. it would make me feel so much better about all this.

i guess if it doesnt work then we will be trying clomid and metformin. but i am not to sure about what the doctor wants to do. but i will find out soon.

well i need to go but i will try to update more later.

another post on opks

sorry i didnt make a post yesterday about the opks for yesterday. they was negative. the line for all three where so light that you could barely make them out.

as for todays are. the one for this morning there wasnt a line at all. the one around noon (well it was alittle later then noon because i wasnt home at noon) the line was so light that you could barely make it out. and this evenings line well it was there but it is was still really light.

i am beginning to wonder if the clomid is going to work this month or not. it is just getting so hard as the days go by and waiting to see if it happens or not.

opks

the opks was all negative today. i thought they might would be. this mornings there was no line at all. the one i took around noon had a very very faint line. and the one i took just a few minutes ago had a line but it was very very very faint to. some part of still feels like the 200mgs of clomid isnt going to work neither.. but we will see. i am trying my hardest to think positive thoughts.

i have started reading in my books on adoption, that i have. sometimes i feel like adoption is something that we are suppose to do. but i still want to try to get pregnant to. who knows we might wand up doing both one day.

well i need to go but i will update tomorrow.

just to took

i just took the last of the clomid tonight. i think the only side of effects i have had so far has been headaches. but i am not to sure if the headaches are from the clomid or from sleeping on a thin pillow. we need to get us some new pillows. i will start using the rest of the opks i have tomorrow. i may use three a day. one in the morning , that at noon, and then about 6 or 7 pm. some part of me feels like this round isnt going to work neither. but i am trying my hardest to stay positive but some part just feels like it isnt going to work. i am trying to stress over it to much. well i need to go and start to get ready for bed. but i will try to get back on tomorrow and let you know how the opks going. if not not tomorrow then the next day.

another round

well the clomid was up to 200mgs. so the 150mgs didnt work. it just gets harder and harder. so i have decided to skip mother's day again this year. it just so hard to see this mother's day adversitments. i am hoping and praying that next year i wont be skipping mother's day. i know my mom and some more family members are going to be mad but i dont care. right now my mind and feelings are important to me. i am glad that mike is home this year so that way i can just curl up next to him that and just forget about the day. well that is it for the update. i will try to update again soon.

udate

i just thought i would update really quick. i start to take the 150mgs of clomid tonight. i am hoping that i wont have any side effects but that it works because i want to have a baby. and sometimes i just feel like i am getting left out or left behind one. it is so hard to deal with at times. i will try to update again tomorrow on how the 150mgs of clomid is treating me.

update on the blood work

well the blood work didnt really come back good. the doctor said i didnt ovulate this time around neither. i didnt think i had. it was just a feeling that i had. i am to take 150mgs of clomid this next time around and if that doesnt work. i will have to take 200mgs and if that doesnt work i have to go see the doctor and we will talk about what to do next. i so hope that the 150mgs works. i just dont know how much more i can take. i want a baby so much. my dad actually told me today that we just need to stop trying so hard. we have done that and it didnt work. no one understands how it feels unless they have experince it theirselves. well that is about it for now i will try to write more later.

i am so missing mike (my hubby)

i am so missing my hubby mike right now. he had to leave for a training duty.(he is in the army national guard). he will be gone for four weeks. i counted the days up and if i counted right it is about 26 more days before we can see each other again. i hope it goes by fast. i go tomorrow for blood work to see if i ovulated or not this cycle. if i did i am not going to take a test until mike comes home. i just want to take the test with him home. so that way i can wake him up and tell him that we are having a baby. yep he will probably still be asleep when i take a test. that is if af (that time of the month for a woman) does show up. in some ways i hope it dont and when i take that test it will say pregnant. i so want that to happen but i just feel like i didnt ovulated but we will see. it might be a day or two before i actually find out the results of the test from the test i take tomorrow. maybe it wont take that long but that is about how long it took last cycle. well i need go but i will try write more later.

getting started

i am just know getting started on this blog. dont know how much i will be able to keep up with it. might even get my hubby into this to and we can share the blog. alittle about the blog. well i decided to make this blog because me and my hubby have been trying to have a baby for almost 4 years now. we just started on taken clomid. i have had two rounds of clomid. the first round was 50mgs and it didnt work at all.and the second round i had taken 100mgs. i have a doctor's appointment on monday to find out if i ovulated. in some ways i feel like i didnt. but i am still hope and praying that i did. that is all i can do at the moment. i guess if i didnt the doctor will be putting me on 150mgs. but i am just guessing on that. it has been so hard. at times i just sit and wondering why this is happening to us. do we not deserve to be parents. i am trying my hardest not to give up hope and to keep thinking positive. well that is about it for now. i will try to post more later.