wishing on someone else's start

a name of a song and part of the lyrics fits me perfect right now because i do feel like i am wishing on someone's stars. theses words are the words i am talking about

" i guess i must be wishing on someone else's star it seems like someone else keeps getting what i'm wishing for why cant i be as lucky as those other people are i guess i must be wishing on someone else's star."

that is how i feel right now and this infertility. no mike and i will not be announcing that we are pregnant any time soon because we are not pregnant. it just seems like every time we make this wish someone else gets pregnant and we dont.  i can not tell you how many of our friends and family that is pregnant or just had a baby. and some of those are way younger then us. it is like you are happy for them but sad and mad to. can you be all three at one time yes you can. i try not to let the saddness and maddness get to me or show it to others but somedays i can not help it. like right now it makes me so mad to hear about a teenager getting pregnant. it is like why a teenager can get pregnant and some one who is almost 33 years old can not get pregnant. it freaking sucks so bad. i hate feeling like a less of a woman because my body doesnt want to make a baby. i know we are planning on adopting and we hope to be able to start the adoption process in jan but i still feel less of a woman right now. if you have never been thru infertility then you wont know what i am talking about. i will try to describe it as best as i can. you all know that a woman produces the egg and carries the baby in the uterus so it is the woman's job to carry and protect that baby. well i can not seem to do that. it yes it makes me feel like less of a woman. i know that right now i am grieving over not being able to get pregnant and i know that i will start to feel better about all this and about myself soon. i just need to get thru this and i need some strength and i know where i can find that strength at.

i also want to take the time to say this to people. if life isnt handing you what you want the most in life or you are just feeling down in the dumps look to the things you do have. like if you have kids look to them. they are the most precious thing that life will hand you. never take them for granted. be grateful to have them in your life. spend more time with them. look to them and let them be your strength. if you dont have kids look at the person sitting beside you. i am so thankful and grateful for mike. he has been my rock and strength thru out this whole infertility issues. he has let me cry when i needed. he has stuck with me thru thick and thin. he has never made me feel less then a woman (even though i feel that way sometimes but he has never made me feel like that) he has been right by my side thru all the crazy hormones that those fertility drugs had running thru my body. he went to every one of my appointments. like i said i am so thankful and grateful for him. God knew what he was doing when he sent mike into my life so thank you mike for always being there for me. if you do not have spouse look to your parents or siblings. be thankful and grateful for them. they are the ones that will always be there for you. if you dont have that look to your friends. you will see who your true friends are in life when you go thru a struggle and they are right there beside you help you thru what ever it is you are going thru. and most important look to God. God is never going to leave you in your time of need. i am glad that i have God in my life. he has sent me the most loving man because he knew i would need someone like that. he has given me two parents that has never given up on me. he has given me a brother and sister who i know will always be there for me. and he has bought tons of nieces and nephews and one great nephew (so far haha) that can make me laugh and smile when i need those laugh and smiles. he has also bought into my life the best friends a girl can ask for. i am so truly blessed right now. and i just need to keep reminding myself that. so thank you all and thank you God for the blessings you have given me.

why does things have to be so hard

we had to go to this hale and farewell dinner for mike tonight (it was really good to hear good things said about him) there was some with their kids there and one person asked if we had kids yet and we said no. they said that is good it is hard to move with kids. i know that they didnt know that we have been struggling with infertility and i feel like if they had they wouldnt have said that. no we usually do not come right out and say we are having problems in that area. because sometimes we feel like that there is a time and place to talk about it and i dont think that a hale and farewell dinner is the right time to be talking about infertility issues. some people may feel differently then us but we dont feel like that is a right time to talk about it. but it does hurt to hear some one say that to you and it also hurts to be sitting around people talking about their kids or showing pictures of their kids to everyone (that is if they didnt bring their kids with them) i know mike and i decided to stop with the fertility treatments but it still hurts to hear people talk about their kids. i know that we are still in the grieving process of not being able to have our own kids and i know that we are going to adopt but we still have to grieve. it is really hard. i was sitting there the whole time while they was talking about their kids wishing that i was home and in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. i just bite the inside of my lip and and bared it. i hope and pray that one day soon that this grieving process ends and things like this doesnt hurt me so much. i know it is going to take time but i wish that time would go by quickly. or that we God grants us our little bundle of joy soon whether it be thru adoption or me getting pregnant on my own. (yeah i still hope that i get pregnant on my own some day but i know in my heart that if i dont that i will be okay because jan is just around the corner and we are going to start the adoption process then)

(for those not in the military and if you are wondering what a hale and farewell is. it is a dinner usually at any kind of restaurant, where they welcome the new soldiers (usually officers. at least i think it is officers. that is usually what the ones i have been to has been haha) coming in that unit that is having the hale and farewell. and they are saying good bye to the ones leaving the unit. since mike is leaving the army and hopefully getting back into the national guard we had to attend this hale and farewell as they was farewell him. sorry if you didnt want to know what it was i just wanted to let you know just incase you ask)

got a lot going on

we have a lot going on right now that i am seriously thinking about staying away from social media. i know i have said this before and it didnt turn out to good. but this time i am thinking about hiding all the social media apps on my phone so that way i am not to tempted to get on them with my phone. dont get me wrong i have done much posting on them but i have been trying to keep up with family and friends but there is times i have posted. but here lately it just seems like the social medias is keeping me down. i love all my friends and family but sometimes some of the things they post about (mostly the ones that are always complaining about something every single day of every single minute ). i think it has gotten to the point of where i am so stressed out. and we already have enough on us as it is that i dont need this added stress so i am going to try my  hardest to step away from facebook, plurk, and twitter (the ones i am always on lol). i am going to try to stay away for a few months. i am aiming for like maybe sometime in sept for when i will be back on them. we need to stay preparing for a move that is coming up in the next couple of months. mike's time in the army is almost up and i can not believe how fast that time is coming. he is trying to get back into the national guard. i hope he can. i would love to see him finish out his military career. because he has worked so hard to get where he is at and i would like to see him be able to finish up his 20 years. we will see how that goes. once we know for sure where we will be moving to we are going to start a search for a place to live and i am also going to try to find me a part time job. we really need to get rid of all this debit we have. dont get wrong we dont have a whole lot of debit compared to others but we have enough that it is stressing us out on how we going to pay them if he doesnt have a job by sept but i know we will get by some how. we have before and i know we will again. i know that the one thing that wont change with all theses changes and that is the love we have for each other. no matter how stressed we get we can look at each other and just smile and we know things we will be okay.
so if you dont see me around at all or all that much until sept you will know why. i will try to keep my blogs updated but it may not be as much as i have been writing. love to all our families and friends
and love to my readers.

weight roller coaster

i feel like i am on a weight roller coaster and i dont know how to get off of it.  i start to loose the weight and i just dont know if i just get pulled down, just loose my motivation to working out, or if i just get depressed or what it is. it just seems like it is a constant thing with my weight. goes up and down and up and down and i am so tired of it. i try my hardest to eat healthy (i know i may have my moments where i dont but for the most part i do try my hardest) and i try to workout and like i said dont know if i just get pulled down or what but after a while of working out ( i can go a month of working out ) and then it is like bang i get drained of my energy. then like if i take a month of no working out i get that energy back. but i cant keep doing this. i want off this weight roller coaster. i want to be at a healthy weight and i want to feel better about myself. and i want to be able to go shopping for new clothes and not feel ashamed or embarrassed about how i look.

we went to a rodeo last night. it was pretty fun. we had a good time. i think we would have had a better time if people wasnt hitting us in the back or trying to push us off the bleachers. but other then that we had a good time. last night it was military appreciation night at the rodeo so we got in for free. that was nice of the ones that had put on the rodeo to do. there isnt to many places that does that and i think that they should because theses men and women who fight for our freedom should be able to joy things like this without having to pay a whole lot of money. i also just got to say another thing that kind of made me alittle mad last night. was that this lady that was sitting right next to mike (she was letting her kids climb all over him wouldnt get on to them at all.) everytime she would get up she would stick her big butt right in mike's face. she also had a short dress on (the dresses are getting shorter and shorter now days arent they. i tell you what there was this one girl. she may have been like any where from 18 to 20 years old that had a dress on that i believe should have been a shirt because i bet once she sit down her dress showed what the good  lord gave her and that should be covered up in public. ) by the time i was fixing to say something to this lady that was sticking her butt in mike's face she left. so i was very thankful for that.
just want to take to time to say this ladies and young women and young girls be respectful of your self and not wear theses very short short dresses that shows every thing that the good lord gave you. there are a lot of men who will not respect you with you wearing stuff like this and plus you will have other women talking about you and what you are wearing.  no you shouldnt care what others are saying but you should care about the respect you are receiving. dont you want to be respected. and also this is to everyone. please be respectful of others when you are a public show. dont be hitting them in the back or trying to push them out of their seats. how would you feel if someone was doing you like that.

here are some photos from the rodeo.

we have made a big decision

we have made a big decision. mike and i talked about this and we are happy with what we have decided and we feel like it is the right thing for us. if we are not pregnant this cycle we are done with all the fertility treatments. we feel this is the right thing for us. maybe in several years we may pick them back up but we are done with them. we are hoping that by 2014 we will be able to start the adoption process. we just got to get moved and settled before we can start the adoption process. also got to know where we are moving to and we will be finding that out as soon as mike finds a job. which i hope it is soon. i hope that with all the jobs he has been applying to that he will find something soon. dont ask me how many he has applied to because i dont know the exact number but i think it is over 20 but not to sure. he comes home and after he eats dinner he gets on the computer to look for some more jobs. he is trying so hard to find something before sept.  please dont ask us a bunch of questions to why we are done with the fertility treatments. please dont tell us that we are making a mistake or say not to give up. because we are not given up, we are just going to go another way to have a baby. we have always wanted to adopted and we both feel like that is the right path for us. we just had to give the fertility treatments a try before we completely move on to adoption. we still hope that we are pregnant and wont find that for another week or so (if are pregnant we wont be telling anyone for at least a month so please dont start bugging us about it in a week). since we have made the decision not to continue to keep on with the fertility treatments i have been feeling much better. i think i was staying emotional drained and both of us was starting to feel so stressed out about it. if you have ever been thru infertility you will know what i mean by all that.
to everyone that is still trying to get pregnant baby dust to you all.

feeling pretty good

i am feeling pretty good about my photography. i didnt think i would have won a prize when i entered the photo contest. granted it wasnt one of theses major photo contests you see in photography magazines and such like that but it is still a photo contest and i actually won something. when i first entered the contest i didnt have high hopes of winning anything. i just wanted to enter it to say that i did. at first when i first seen the photo contest i wasnt going to enter because i was scared that they would think that it wasnt good enough. (i think deep down i have always been alittle scared of what people thinks of photos.) but i got to thinking and told myself that i was going to do it. that i am not going to let my fears stand in my way. if no one likes my photos that is okay. because i do. i am not trying to sell it to them lol. and i do try my hardest to make sure that they are wonderful done because i do hope that one day in the future i can have a small photography business. i have been thinking of starting one just part time but i decided to wait about that for alittle while and i can finish up this photography schooling so i can have a certificate showing that i am a photographer on my wall and every one can see. and i also want to make sure that i am good enough and until after we have moved and settled so that way i am not stressing out to much lol. anyways back to the photo contest. i am so glad that i entered it. it is basically the first one i entered and i won a prize. i did enter some photo contests online but havent won anything from that. plus there are 100s of people entering in those and only like 12 or 13 photos (i had three) entered in the first photo contest so i had a better chance there lol but still wasnt expecting to get anything.

i have won 2nd place over all. i got a ribbon, a picture frame, and a award. i was not expecting 2nd place. i was thinking maybe 3rd or 4th but not 2nd. this lady is happy.

here are some pictures of the things i got.

a haunted house

i really do think we maybe living in a haunted house. there just been some things that has went on every since we have been living here. like first one of the bathroom doors was open and no the central was not on. then we would here just little noises around the house at times. then one time after we had went to bed i had gotten up to use the bathroom and the living room light was on. i asked mike if he turned it off before coming to bed and he said yes. then one night we was sitting in the living room and the door bell rung on its on. mike got up to answer it and no one was there. there was no one sneaking around or anything like that. then the really kicker happened saturday night. i had gotten up to use the bathroom during the middle of the night (no i wasnt sleeping to good that night) and yes i was completely awake (usually when i wake up i am wide a wake because it takes me forever to get back to sleep after waking up during the middle of the night) i was trying to get back to sleep (we use a night light in the bathroom so that way i am not running into things going to the bathroom lol) and i seen the light get black out. there was no one there. i raised up a little and i watched the shadow figure. that is what it was a figure of a person and no one was there. i watched it move from the light and stand in the corner and then i raised completely up it was gone. so yeah i really do think we are living in a haunted house. oh yeah cant forget the toliet flushes itself and no the valve isnt broke or anything like because it doesnt do it all the time. and also saturday night the door to our closet was open (you have to go thru the bathroom to get to the closet) and neither one of us had went to the closet before bed. good thing we do not have to much longer here. we have lived it since nov of 2011 so i know we can get thru the next few months lol.
now i can mark off staying in a haunted house off of my bucket list lol.

another ultrasound

we had another ultrasound today. well the first one for this cycle. we got some pretty good news. the ultrasound showed that i had a follicle on my right ovary that was size 13. and the doctor told me that i can trigger on tuesday. so in about 5 days i should ovulate. and of course around that time we really need to get busy but you dont really want to know that haha. then on the 21st of may i go in for blood work done to make sure i did indeed ovulated. and then it is another waiting game. got to wait until tuesday to do the trigger shot. and then wait for blood work and then wait to see if my period shows up. i hope it doesnt and we will be pregnant. because if this doesnt work we only have like only more round that we can do. so we are being really hopeful for this month. i really wasnt expecting to get the news of the follicle today. i kind of thought i had one there on my right side but i didnt want to say for sure. i have been getting uncomfortable in that area. but i really wasnt to sure if it was going to be that or something else lol. we ask you to please keep praying for us. we are so ready to be parents and i think that after nearly 9 years that it is time for us to become parents. time for us to watch our kids grow up. time for us to hear someone call us mommy and daddy. so please pray for us.
thank you all for the prayers in advance and baby dust to us and others out there trying to get pregnant.

Down 3lbs

On Monday I weighed 190 and today I got on the scales again today ( yeah I know that it is dangerous to weigh more then once a week and in the afternoon to) but I have lost 3lbs since Monday. I can't believe it. All the zumba and ab work out is helping some. I am going to try to wait until next Friday to get on the scales again and let's hope that I have lost some more by then.

it is may so bring on the flowers

it is may so bring on the flowers haha. i wonder what may has in store for us. hopefully it will be all good things and not bad. maybe we will get pregnant this month and maybe mike will have a job lined up for sept this month. yeah i know i shouldnt hold my breath on all that but i am going to stay positive.

lets see what all do we have going on this month. well i finish taken the clomid and femara this month. actually friday is my last day of pills. then we have a doctor appointments next week (next friday) and mike has work and work and work lol. maybe our little garden will start producing some veggies and we can have fresh veggies. it is already starting to bloom out some so maybe it wont be too much longer. it will help us save a little money on veggies.

that is pretty much all we got going on for may but if anything interesting happens i will write about it lol.